Watch “Ivan B – Lost Lyrics” on YouTube

My son shared this with me tonight. He said to listen to the lyrics. I indulged him. Towards the end of the son, my heart melted. God answerd in whispers, in surprises, songs, moments. Thank you, Lord. 

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A Prayer

Dear Lord,

I praise and thank you for the mercies and graces you have showered upon me.

While life has been full challenges, it is a great comfort to see it with such clarity that comes only in holding on to prayer.  Gone are the blinders of illusion and misguided desires.  Replaced by strength in spirit to move to action, now I can say I am living.

Thank you for the grace of allowing you to lift the world from my shoulders.  Living life with you in front of me, behind me, beside me, I am comforted.  I am reminded that I can only do so much.  Living each day is only between you and me – others’ lives are theirs and yours, never mine.  Even if those others are my closest of kin, dearest to my heart.

Sight renewed, bearings gained, life decluttered, prayers answered, graces granted, I am more confident.

Lord God, I ask you fervently to grant me the grace of the proper disposition and attitude to protect what we have created:  this peaceful space which will allow me to live a happy, productive life as I await my return to You.

Bless my loved one, especially my son.  Draw him close to you.  Open his ears to your call.

Through Mama Mary’s prayers, and in your Most Holy Name, I pray.

Amen

Points before prayer

I noticed that the general pattern of my emotions in the span of my life is

Sad, worried, angry.

Sad, worried, angry.

I can be quite witty and funny. But my humor is sardonic and acerbic. Either that, or I’m plainly harsh, painfully silent, or magnanimous in my sincere appreciation.

Happiness comes and goes. Peace makes me happy. Being in the same wavelength as my son makes me happy. Being appreciated makes me happy. Paid bills and debts makes me happy. Tasks achieved makes me happy. A clean room makes me happy. A restful sleep makes me happy. A shared smile with a child makes me happy. A long, religious retreat makes me happy. 

Peace. When I make sense of my life, I am at peace. When I know how the near future looks, I am at peace. When I have secirity, I am at peace.

Security. Money. A safe place to stay. Food on the table. Good health. In the good graces of loved ones and friends. Doing what is right. Not being in anyone’s debt.

Right now, I am overwhelmed with the weight of the days ahead. 

I find that mostly, I am sad, worried, angry.

How to break the pattern. 

When Will I Get to the Other Side of the Bridge?

I prayed Mother Teresa’s express novena tonight after a hectic day. After the flurry of concerns at work, my attention, frayed and tired, zoned in on my 18 year old son and his poor school performance and what I perceive as bumming around. Needless to say, I am still worried about him. And me worrying about him always makes for arguments. 

After a barely restrained heated encounter, after I dismissed him from the room, I came across this and felt relieved. I am not alone. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2032248/Jacquelyn-Mitchards-admission-appal-mothers-I-HATE-son.html

August 13, 2017

The question I should be asking myself should be: Where does God want me to be? 

I spent today’s Sunday looking at prospective locations and jobs to tranfer to. I called my former coworker who is now in Thailand. I searched online the possibilities for Japan. I outlined what I needed for a change in career should I decide to stay in the same city.

Wow, I was brought to my knees when I had to face the reality of what a major life change would entail. The financial aspect terrified me. I was getting separation anxiety attacks over leaving my son behind. I catastrophized a situation that was still in its inception phase. ” Oh, me of little faith.”

I pray, hear mass, say novenas. I must live my faith and work hard… and keep my eyes on Jesus. 

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