A Testimony in Progress

A lot happens in a year.  It was in June of 2017 that I sought our local Catholic exorcist for deliverance prayers.  Attacked by the devil were my relationship with my son and worsening the long standing, if not lifelong, depression I’ve been carrying all this time.

I’ve been faithful to the counsel of the priest:  daily mass, daily, devout recitation of the prayers found in the Catholic Handbook of Deliverance Prayers by Fr. Jose Francisco Syquia, saying the rosary, monthly confession.  Although not perfect in attendance, with rarely missing a day’s mass or saying my deliverance prayers, my days have been mostly drenched in prayer, supplication, conversations with the Lord (his answers and comfort coming from His Holy Word).

My testimony begins at the end of last school year (which is March of this year in the Philippines).

As I was on the threshold of a significant life change – which was a sabbatical year after 18 straight years of working in the same place – I was looking forward to the Triduum Retreat at the end of March.

Also, after the summer, my son was bound for his paternal grandparents’ part of the country, where he planned to finish Senior High.  It was going to be our first long term separation in his 19 years.

To make the life change even more exciting, I had just been introduced to a man who piqued my interest – after four years of giving up on chances at love.

It’s been four months, and I have never been happier in my life.

Over the summer, right after the Triduum retreat, some of my friends and I started with the Prayer & Life Workshop School for Preparing Guides.

At this time, I set out on new income generating possibilities: trainings as an insurance, and real estate agent;  venturing into online job applications; and grabbing the business opportunities of having customers approach me for my facebook and instagram advertised non-tarnish religious jewelry (which to my surprise and bewilderment is what has been feeding me and my son all this time!).

Two weeks later, a couple of days after my aunt from Canada arrived, we had our ancestral home, a 1000 square meter property  that has been occupied by the caretaker since my grandfather’s death in 2014 prayed over and blessed by the exorcist.

My son, who was previously adamant about all things Catholic and religious, joined in on the deliverance prayers and had his St. Benedict tattoo blessed by the priest.  Since my aunt’s arrival, he started joining mass as respect to my aunt.

Shortly after, my aunt and I left for Manila for a weeklong vacation.

All the while, I was reeling with the renewal of infatuation which felt fresh and new after four years of having given up on love and romance.

To digress briefly, my last suitor died in 2014 – and his death devastated me.  In 2016, my so-called soulmate whom I thought was trying to reconnect with me ended up with the perfect girl he began with when we were kids.  So everything was a no in my prayer for a lovelife… so i decided to stop.

To be Continued

 

A Prayer

Dear Lord,

I praise and thank you for the mercies and graces you have showered upon me.

While life has been full challenges, it is a great comfort to see it with such clarity that comes only in holding on to prayer.  Gone are the blinders of illusion and misguided desires.  Replaced by strength in spirit to move to action, now I can say I am living.

Thank you for the grace of allowing you to lift the world from my shoulders.  Living life with you in front of me, behind me, beside me, I am comforted.  I am reminded that I can only do so much.  Living each day is only between you and me – others’ lives are theirs and yours, never mine.  Even if those others are my closest of kin, dearest to my heart.

Sight renewed, bearings gained, life decluttered, prayers answered, graces granted, I am more confident.

Lord God, I ask you fervently to grant me the grace of the proper disposition and attitude to protect what we have created:  this peaceful space which will allow me to live a happy, productive life as I await my return to You.

Bless my loved one, especially my son.  Draw him close to you.  Open his ears to your call.

Through Mama Mary’s prayers, and in your Most Holy Name, I pray.

Amen

Points before prayer

I noticed that the general pattern of my emotions in the span of my life is

Sad, worried, angry.

Sad, worried, angry.

I can be quite witty and funny. But my humor is sardonic and acerbic. Either that, or I’m plainly harsh, painfully silent, or magnanimous in my sincere appreciation.

Happiness comes and goes. Peace makes me happy. Being in the same wavelength as my son makes me happy. Being appreciated makes me happy. Paid bills and debts makes me happy. Tasks achieved makes me happy. A clean room makes me happy. A restful sleep makes me happy. A shared smile with a child makes me happy. A long, religious retreat makes me happy. 

Peace. When I make sense of my life, I am at peace. When I know how the near future looks, I am at peace. When I have secirity, I am at peace.

Security. Money. A safe place to stay. Food on the table. Good health. In the good graces of loved ones and friends. Doing what is right. Not being in anyone’s debt.

Right now, I am overwhelmed with the weight of the days ahead. 

I find that mostly, I am sad, worried, angry.

How to break the pattern. 

When Will I Get to the Other Side of the Bridge?

I prayed Mother Teresa’s express novena tonight after a hectic day. After the flurry of concerns at work, my attention, frayed and tired, zoned in on my 18 year old son and his poor school performance and what I perceive as bumming around. Needless to say, I am still worried about him. And me worrying about him always makes for arguments. 

After a barely restrained heated encounter, after I dismissed him from the room, I came across this and felt relieved. I am not alone. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2032248/Jacquelyn-Mitchards-admission-appal-mothers-I-HATE-son.html

August 13, 2017

The question I should be asking myself should be: Where does God want me to be? 

I spent today’s Sunday looking at prospective locations and jobs to tranfer to. I called my former coworker who is now in Thailand. I searched online the possibilities for Japan. I outlined what I needed for a change in career should I decide to stay in the same city.

Wow, I was brought to my knees when I had to face the reality of what a major life change would entail. The financial aspect terrified me. I was getting separation anxiety attacks over leaving my son behind. I catastrophized a situation that was still in its inception phase. ” Oh, me of little faith.”

I pray, hear mass, say novenas. I must live my faith and work hard… and keep my eyes on Jesus. 

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